Today is the first day of my new job as a teacher at the high school I once graduated from. Other than the fact at how damn early I had to get up, I was 100% ecstatic and ambitious towards what may happen on my first day back there..
5:30 AM came all too quickly. I was in and out of the shower, dressed and. Ready, coffee in hand by 5:55
I hastily locked up my apartment and made my way to my car. I fumbled around a little in the darkness while trying to get into my car, but I eventually got it.
I started to drive down my street. I had to take it slow due to ice. Lots of ice. A black figure began to appear in my field of vision. It was the shape of a man, in all black, walking slowly down the road.
This struck as odd to me. 6 AM and someone is walking? In this weather? It had to be at least -2 degrees outside! And this guy is walking!
Everything moved in slow motion as I thought about what he might be doing here.. Why would he be walking.. Where would he be walking to.. Then my mind began to be enveloped by my fear senses and I began thinking things that were completely irrational. “Perhaps he’s some type of serial killer” I thought. “Maybe he might pull out a .45 and blow my head off as I drive past him!” My mind continued diving deeper into these paranoid delusions as I drew closer to the mystery man. His form becoming clearer as I inched closer with my headlights. I could make out more of his form now.
He was wearing a black work coat, it appeared to be dirty. And covered in snow. He was wearing black pants and combat boots. The laces were not tied. A hood from presumably another jacket beneath the work coat hid his head from view. With a description like that, there were two possibilities in my mind. Homeless, or Crazy.
Eventually realising how insane I was being over a man walking, I snapped myself back to reality and shook of my dreadful thinking. “Listen to yourself. You’re being ridiculous.” I scolded myself. I couldn’t 100% shake my uneasiness. However, I wasn’t going to let a simple oddity like this drive me to insanity. I brushed off whatever trance I was in, and continued driving towards him.
…but then, however, something happened that I never saw coming…
The man stopped walking.. He stood there in my headlights. And as soon as I noticed he had stopped, I slammed on my breaks and halted as well. My heart began to race and my stomach did loops for reasons I didn’t understand. But I do now..
He started to turn towards me. He was going to look at me. As he slowly turned me heart pumped faster. Then, to my horror, I finally saw the face of this man.. If you could even call it a man… His eyes were shrouded in a blackness that was darker than the night around us. His white pupils glowed in the centre of those pits as he stared into my very being. His nose wasn’t there. In its place, was a crude sewing together of the flesh around it, pulling his skin tightly across his bony face. His lips were non-existent, revealing every single one of his jagged, chipped, decaying teeth. His gums were rotted and frostbitten. And he was as pale as the snow around him.
We made eye contact, and as we did my heart grew to a pace I didn’t think possible. I was certain I was going to die here. But survival instincts kicked in, and I put the pedal to the floor. I drove straight at the thing. But when I got within feet of him, he vanished completely. Sending me in a head-on collision with a telephone pole. I was sent through the wind-shield and into the snow below. As soon as I hit the ground my body began going numb. Asides a pain in my chest, and a shooting pain down my left arm..
I was going to die there.. My vision began to fade, and as it did I looked up.. To find him towering over me.. Staring down at me.. Then, everything went black.
I woke up in a hospital bed the next morning. Apparently the neighbours were awakened by the crash and found me just in time. When the police asked me what had happened I gave them a description of the man. Of course, they thought it was some sort of hallucination.
So here I am. Sitting in this room. I’ll be here for another week or so. I’m typing this on a laptop the hospital was so kind to allow me to use while I’m here. But I won’t be here much longer. My friend came to visit me today. The friend I met that night. The friend who tried to show me the true world. He’s here now. He’s sitting next to me. Telling me everything is going to be ok. He’s my master now. I belong to him. He’s watching me. He was always watching me. From the day I was born until the day I die.
..and he’s watching you, right now…
The build up was pretty well written, I would react the same as the protagonist in this situation. Although the ending was a bit strange, i would work on that. Overall not bad.
Where is he watching me from? I’ll punch his face in!!!
3/5 stars. Not the greatest Pasta I’ve read. It feels like it’s just a bit too cliché, you know? [spoiler]And it doesn’t really make sense how the protagonist became the monster’s slave. Maybe if it was explained or just described as to how that happened, it’d be more thorough and interesting.[/spoiler]
The detail was an amazing description with a hint of darkness! it could add more drama to why the man disappeared at a blink of an eye! But overall, it was amazing (and it still is!)!
4/5
2 Stars
Doesn’t really make much sense. The story can be summed up in several sentences. Man gets up for work. Man finds mysterious man walking outside in the cold. Walking man is in front of car and turns out to be a monster. Man in car attempts to run over monster but he dissappears and causes the man to crash. Man wakes up in hospital. Man is a slave to the monster. The end. It was really clichéd with the whole “mysterious person walking on the highway at night”. And he just dissapears causing the guy to crash? There’s no background to why he is there, what he’s doing, or why he is doing it. No explanaton to who he is or how he’s doing anything, how he became what he is. And in the end, how he becomes a slave to him makes no sense. It would have been better with background to him or even just the area, like “people were murdered in the woods by the highway” or the guy saying “this highway is rumored to cause cars to crash, and these spirit’s crashed themselves, now they cause others to crash”
You know what, I’m actually okay with that.
I was in need someone to protect me from my more dangerous hallucinations.
I think this story was very intresting…In the end tho is the “Freind” the thing that caused the crash?
Do you live in California? He’s complaining about the guy walking in -2 degrees and I walk in like -40 lol
I feel likeit could have been very good but the ending fell flat.
[spoiler][/spoiler]
It is a good story with grammar errors and a dull ending. I feel like what have happen was he leaves the computer for a bit,then comes back crazy. That is all I have to say keep doing what you do.
i accidentally rated it 2★ but i meant to rate it 4★. I think it was a very good story line. Of course, there is room for improvement. There always is room for improvement.
1) The story would have much more depth if you elongated it a bit with more details and a bit of back story. You know, make the protagonist someone relatable. 2) Work a bit on the ending. It’s a bit vague. I, for one, understood very well what you were trying to convey. But the majority of the readers would rather a more specific conclusion. It’s really a matter of pleasing the majority. & 3) There are a scarce amount of grammar errors. So, a bit of revising would be good.
Aside from that, it’s a good plotline and I’d read it again.
Best of wishes,
§.
eh kinda cliché in a way but over all good story
It was writtien fairly good and the story line was ok but the twist was predictable.
I thought it was good, but there were a few mistakes here and there, but not many.
But the end was a little confusing.
you tell great stories
scary
Ehhh… Ok.
The story was sort of… awkward, I guess. Not really scary, it just gave me a small sensation of being watched. The last sentence, just made me look around the room. I’ll give it a 5 for effort and add one point for the last sentence.
I agree with stranger_danger
In my personal opinion, it didn’t really feel the tension building. It felt as if I was reading just a bland, boring story. No offence! Good effort but, I just expected better, that’s all. Plus correct the punctuation next time! ;D
not very good
the ending is bland and comes out of no where
you need to work on building up tension and details
not just using keywords every pasta has