The first thing I feel as I regain my consciousness is the cold lumpiness of soggy soil wrapped around my hands, like handcuffs made of the ground I lay on, as if the earth itself wants to imprison me. I try as hard as I can to move or open my eyes, but despite all my efforts I remain transfixed to the ground, unable to even twitch a toe.
As if gravity wasn’t enough of a burden in this peculiar situation, it seems that there’s something resting on my chest, bobbing up and down with every breath I take… Its weight is significantly heavier than what my body could possibly be able to support. Such a pressure would normally crush my ribs, smash my lungs and heart, snap open my aorta, and make every single blood vessel inside of me burst, killing me in mere seconds. The pressure it exerts on me is unbelievably strong, so strong that I can’t actually even feel it at all, in fact I can’t even feel the slightest thing anymore… The mixture of sensations; the constant change of feelings, mentally as physically, is making me sick…
The pain becomes unbearable and I start to panic, but as I’m trying to reassure myself that everything will be fine, the grievous feeling disappears altogether, just as if I wasn’t feeling anything to begin with. It’s as if I’ve been awaken from a deep hypnotic trance which I’ve been in for ages, except that I don’t have any memory of what happened before the trance either, as if I’ve just been reborn with a clean memory and a new life ahead of me… Except I know that isn’t true, as there’s something that I vaguely remember about all this, but I can’t seem to put it in place…
I try moving again, but just as before, not even the smallest movement is possible… Now, however, I’m finally able to open my eyes. Expecting to see something resting on my chest, or to be able to examine my surroundings, I’m instead confronted with darkness, pure darkness, of the blackest black you have ever seen. The darkness is of such a piercing, opaque obscurity that all I can see is… nothing. There’s literally nothing but a thick veil of darkness surrounding me, that blocks my view completely. It’s as if the darkness is inside my eyes, burned on my retina. It’s as if I never opened my eyes to begin with… Or perhaps they have been open all along…
Due to the lack of sight my other senses start to intensify. I start feeling the coldness of my environment even more than before, and the soil my body has half been buried in seems to be covered with leaves… Where am I?
The taste in my mouth doesn’t make me feel ‘safer’ either. A warm sensation that I couldn’t really identify or link to anything, with a slight flavor of some familiar metallic substance mixed in… Copper maybe? Although it’s only speculation, I do think it has to be that… But then again, what liquid tastes like that anyway? The only copper thing I’ve ever had in my mouth was a penny…
My nose won’t be of much use in this situation either, as my ability to smell has been completely disabled, my nasal passages blocked off… What is this place, and when I will I be able to escape it… I have lost track of time and space, It almost feels as if I’ve lost myself…
It’s only now that I notice the most peculiar thing of all.
As I try to explore the final sense I have, another terrifying factor comes into play, and the fact that I hadn’t noticed it earlier, as if it were completely normal, makes it even more frightening. There’s no sound at all. I can’t hear anything. I can’t even hear my own, heavy breathing…
And then I heard it, the noise that pierced the deadly silence… A memory… A sound… A scream… A scream I vaguely remember… The scream… The scream that changed my life…
27 Comments on 'Forever'
Chilling. This sent shivers down my spine, pooh. Yummy. Truly, this is a delicacy.
“My nose won’t be of much use in this situation either, as my ability to smell has been completely disabled, ”
Your sense of smell is directly connected to your sense of taste. So if you tasted blood (yes, we get it, metallic, tastes like a penny, it’s blood. You might as well just outright say it rather than beat around the bush) than your sense of smell must be working. No smell, sense of taste is messed up. This is why everything tastes funny when you have a cold.
It diddnt really seem like much of an ending, and if you can’t hear anything, how could you hear a scream? Oh and diddo on what Alek said.
The writing itself isn’t too bad, besides the over use of dot-dot-dots… But I felt that there was too much fluffiness in your writing. You often repeated the same thing, just with different spelling. Try not to assume that your readers won’t pick up on your story early, because after the third paragraph, I already knew the ending. Sometimes, you need to concentrate your writing; Make it rich, thick, and packed with flavor rather then runny and diluted (this isn’t always the case, but I think this method would’ve helped your story).
There was some fairly good use of metaphor, though.
I don’t really get it… The ending confused me.
Was he buried (alive)? Or is he dead but somehow still conscious?
Chilling, mysterious, awesome! I love pastas that are like this, good story! 10/10
I don’t get it..?
Okay i really don’t under stand this pasta, it makes little sense and just repeating the name of your pasta at the end doestn make it good 3/10
I think he’s dead or a tree or buried alive or fake? I really don’t knovv
this story is good but lacks info on what is happing to him is he dead is he alive who knows that’s whant I want to know
I actually really like this pasta. It seems like maybe he’s buried alive? A ghost?
I found the over use of “as if” was a massive spoiler. It was used WAY too often, which made it less effective.
There was just nothing to this – really felt as if it needed to expand and such.
Maybe it will be improved due to these constructive comments?(:
I hope to see an improved version – this was interesting!!
hmmm…. interesting the story speaks of darkness so rather than him being in a coffin he might be actually dead atheiests or people who strongly belive there is no god think that when you die you are just stuck in a “paradox of darkness” in which you can’t escape… but also know that i am not atheiest and belive there is a god but as i was saying i think he might have been in a coma of some form in which the medical examiner thought he was dead (which is super extremely hard) and he might have awoken in the coffin sadly there is no hope for him if he is in the coffin (he would starve to death) i love that the author leaves the ending for the reader to decide and besides the over use of triple periods i belive this is an excellent read and an even tastier pasta read on mates
XD am I the only one that thought he was a tree for a bit? He can’t smell, because he’s a tree, he can’t move, because he’s a tree, he tastes copper, cause he’s tasting sap, because he’s a tree, and he can’t see, because he is a tree. Logical?
I think this story is funny
this makes no sense at all… everyone knows that copper taste is blood, I’ve had my fair share of blood in my mouth and it definitely tastes metallic.
This could’ve used more detail, perhaps a backstory. Overall a great idea.
lacks creep. and it needs more explanation
The story is the kind of mysterious that really ticks you off. While the writing isn’t bad, the story has little to no substance to it. The ending also makes zero sense. I would implore you to consider a more flexible and compelling concept in the future.
it was good .. but hard to understand like if he was part of earth it self
I really liked this pasta at the start of the story, but then it progressively shifted into metaphor after metaphor. I personally like metaphors, but these didn’t lead to a clear ending. I like the confusion of the character but not so much my own confusion because I’m still not quite sure what this is about. I assume he was buried alive or is dead somewhere, but I am still confused. Good writing style, though, aside from the overuse of ellipses.
i find this really interesting at first i thought you were a prisoner because of the handcuffs then irealized you were dead
i find it funny how your explanation of how much getting crushed hurt was the most interesting part of this story ….okay thats a lie it was okay but… if you made this alittle longer and more creepy it would be a winner but right now its like im gettin crushed explains what crushing is i cant taste stuff explains what taste is and the last taste he tasted whoa i remembered something a scream changed me forever just work on it id even be up to reading a new version of this if you sent it to me
OMG… at first.. i’ll be honest, the story kinda bored me..
like we get it.. its dark and you have no senses..
BUT THEN I REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON..
and i hated it (in a good way)
i’m back to my fear of being buried alive (i know he wasn’t alive )
10/5 for making me feel such clausterphobia..