Ever since I was young, everyone has commented on the fact that I look just like a giant potato. Strangely they’ve never considered the possibility that I am a giant potato.

I was born in an abandoned Thriftway just one mile from a local nuclear meltdown. My skin was spotted with deep wet holes, those were my wonderful ear-tubers. During that time I was quite content just listening, it was so peaceful, but then I sprouted my first eyetuber and saw how complex the world really was. I needed to explore it, but how? Limbless and round it seemed impossible. Fret not dear readers, for soon I would discover the miracle and majesty of tubers! With just three stout tubers I was easily able to roll myself out of that place and on towards adventure!

Much later I would encounter my first humans, a gang of children playing in some fields. I watched them, saw how they moved, propelling themselves on two legs and happily grabbing each other. When they left I felt so alone. I wanted to do what they did, and soon I could. Once again with the magic of tubers I sprouted two thick appendages for legs and two long squishy ones for arms. I stood 7’5 and I was glorious.

When the children returned to play I was ready to join in. They sure were surprised to see me! I chased them through the fields for hours, they cried and screamed and I listened so carefully and soon I was crying and screaming right along with them! We taught each other so much that day. They taught me the importance of companionship in this cold, cold world and I taught them how to grow those wonderful tubers. On their hands, their feet, even their eyeballs. Big gushing boney tubers!

They’re still out there, playing with their tubers. They’ve gotten so good at it that they barely look human anymore! All they’ve bothered keeping is their screaming holes which they exercise constantly. I always scream back as a courtesy.

So whenever I meet a human in some secluded place and they offer that same ol’ comment in that same trembling voice that humans just seem to have. Why I just stretch my massive screaming hole as wide as I can and whisper, “…tubers…”