The Wonder of Tubers!


Ever since I was young, everyone has commented on the fact that I look just like a giant potato. Strangely they’ve never considered the possibility that I am a giant potato.

I was born in an abandoned Thriftway just one mile from a local nuclear meltdown. My skin was spotted with deep wet holes, those were my wonderful ear-tubers. During that time I was quite content just listening, it was so peaceful, but then I sprouted my first eyetuber and saw how complex the world really was. I needed to explore it, but how? Limbless and round it seemed impossible. Fret not dear readers, for soon I would discover the miracle and majesty of tubers! With just three stout tubers I was easily able to roll myself out of that place and on towards adventure!

Much later I would encounter my first humans, a gang of children playing in some fields. I watched them, saw how they moved, propelling themselves on two legs and happily grabbing each other. When they left I felt so alone. I wanted to do what they did, and soon I could. Once again with the magic of tubers I sprouted two thick appendages for legs and two long squishy ones for arms. I stood 7’5 and I was glorious.

When the children returned to play I was ready to join in. They sure were surprised to see me! I chased them through the fields for hours, they cried and screamed and I listened so carefully and soon I was crying and screaming right along with them! We taught each other so much that day. They taught me the importance of companionship in this cold, cold world and I taught them how to grow those wonderful tubers. On their hands, their feet, even their eyeballs. Big gushing boney tubers!

They’re still out there, playing with their tubers. They’ve gotten so good at it that they barely look human anymore! All they’ve bothered keeping is their screaming holes which they exercise constantly. I always scream back as a courtesy.

So whenever I meet a human in some secluded place and they offer that same ol’ comment in that same trembling voice that humans just seem to have. Why I just stretch my massive screaming hole as wide as I can and whisper, “…tubers…”

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25 Comments on 'The Wonder of Tubers!'

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  • Commented on October 22, 2015 at 2:01 am


  • Commented on October 22, 2015 at 5:43 am

    That was definitely very original, and a little odd. I liked it, though it feels more like a scary story parents tell their kids to get them to behave. I like the writing style, and I’m curious where this inspired from.

  • Doge
    Commented on October 22, 2015 at 4:49 pm


  • Hidden
    Commented on October 22, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Thanks for the laugh. I love it.

    … tubers…

  • Commented on October 22, 2015 at 10:25 pm


  • Commented on October 23, 2015 at 4:21 am

    This was simply…tubular.

  • Commented on October 24, 2015 at 8:46 am

    When I started reading I knew it was going to be wild from start to finish, I didn’t expect it to end that… creepily. I love this story, you did very well at writing this, nothing I could give you advice on, it was perfect.

  • Hayley
    Commented on October 24, 2015 at 11:06 am

    What they fuck is a tuber? I don’t understand this one. Someone please elaborate?

  • Commented on October 25, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Not so creepy as it is strange!
    I can’t get past a potato growing tubers.

  • Commented on October 26, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    Hey lil mama lemmewhisper in your ear, I got a lil something you might like to hear…..TUBERS!!

  • Commented on October 28, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    not very creepy but still a good story

  • Commented on October 29, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    that was excellent
    here is a spider for your story
    /╲/\〳 ᴼᴼ ౪ ᴼᴼ 〵/\╱\

  • Commented on December 1, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    So hey, Vegetarians. WHATCHA THINK NOW?! In other news, children everywhere now refusing to eat baked potatoes.

    I liked it, the happy-go-lucky evil potato was creepy to me 🙂

  • The_One_Potatoe
    Commented on January 15, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    3/10 so many questions ???????????????????????????????

  • The_One_Potatoe
    Commented on January 15, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    kryssipasta im never going to know what a tuber is

  • Commented on February 4, 2016 at 4:50 am

    I LOVE IT!!!!

  • Commented on May 24, 2016 at 3:07 am

    I’m so confused as to what this is supposed to be. It’s not horrible, but, to me, it’s not 100% either. I don’t really understand how this is “scary” or “creepy”. I honestly thought it was more cute than anything! But that’s just me, I’m most likely the only one to think of this story like that.

    Other than that! I’m going to give it two enthusiastic thumbs up!!

  • Commented on October 22, 2016 at 10:15 pm

    that first sentance made me laugh so hard keep up the good work

  • Commented on November 14, 2016 at 8:34 am

    Totally tubular bro

  • Commented on December 29, 2016 at 7:47 am


  • Commented on February 6, 2017 at 11:09 pm

    Bizarre and creepy! I shivered..

  • Commented on March 22, 2017 at 5:58 pm


  • Commented on October 4, 2017 at 6:52 pm

    LAWL what in the helllll did i just read???
    either way.. i loved it.. and i feel bad for that naive little potate.

  • Commented on October 4, 2017 at 7:02 pm

    and ya’ll.. tubers? you dont know ?? even you with the potato name?!

    they are EYES?? is that better known? potatoes grow sprouts out of rheir bods.

  • Commented on February 3, 2018 at 7:29 pm

    It was interesting and I liked the perspective. I also liked how you incorporated the point with a short story. Good Job.

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